Useless Column: ‘Sex-a-Thon’

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Useless Column: ‘Sex-a-Thon’

The first time I made the mistake of using a certain balm called ‘abokini’ and accidentally went to urinate with the balm on my fingers er, that was t

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The first time I made the mistake of using a certain balm called ‘abokini’ and accidentally went to urinate with the balm on my fingers er, that was the day, I had to use a whole pack of ommo ang king soap just to quench the ‘heat’. Alla! That balm? Hmmm! That is why I always wash my hands with soap no matter what. Abeg, before start insulting me in your head, this is a satire page which must not be read anyway. There is nothing here to learn sef! Hahashshs.

But you know, when you see a typical African man coming out of a single and available lady’s room in the afternoon and he is holding half a bottle of water in his right hand and pouring the water on his left finger with the water, please feel free to draw your conclusions wae. We are like that, at least many of us do, even me. It just could be what your mind is telling you. Don’t assume anything else.

That notwithstanding, my people, please don’t assume what I assume sometimes o. I read in an unknown book that ‘assumptions are the most lethargic form of human intelligence’. For all you know, the man just wants to stick to COVID-19 safety protocols by washing his hands after coming out of the lady’s room though ‘without’ soap under running water! Assumptions no good. It is akin to using one’s tongue to count his or her own teeth!

Good morning, Mr Chairman, Distinguished Guests, Ladies and gentlemen from everywhere on planet earth. Members of the media, Uncles and Aunties, Teachers and Nurses, Bankers and Insurers, Journalists and Bloggers, Soldiers and Policemen and everybody, it is my singular honour to bring you greetings from 2023 statistics on those who have persistently and unrepentantly decided to be involved in sweet sins just like myself. Too many ‘thon’ ‘thon’ thon in town thon.

Heavenly Father, I pray that whatever I am going to ‘thon’ should continue thoning till I thon the world with my records. I suspect I am a Christian but I tell lies too much! Ah! Many of us condemn sinful things openly but we do the opposite. When my wife wants to use my phone to call somebody, I start panicking with fear as I don’t know how long it would take her to ‘thon’ the conversation on my phone. The call duration has the propensity to lead to certain un-disclose-able discoveries of things her eyes should have a problem seeing. Only God should know.
Let me ask o; can a reader mention the name of one man who is still alive today because he never side-chicked? Just one who was probably born 90 years ago. Whether you do it or not, we are all going to go when the time comes.

But we have more control over our bodies than we can imagine. However, so long as I am still active in my waist, why not! I just met this one last Sunday and she came across as a good ‘food for thought’! Heavy at the back. That should suffice whether the face fine or not. We exchanged phone contacts. Then whatsapping started. Then I started with my ‘useless ‘I miss you’ ‘I miss you’ unnecessary choral music! How can I just be missing somebody I barely knew? Oh God! Please exorcise that spirit of ‘promise-security’ out of me oo and some other men! Eish!
Two days later, she sent a message asking for help and that she urgently needed GHC500 to top up to pay school rent. I felt some way as I started shrinking down there. You know the only thing that shrinks a man’s fifth limb with relative ease is when a demand from a barely known lady comes through? No matter how rich a man is; this could just be true.

In fact I was bold enough, called her and asked her why so soon. In her response, she explained that the GHC500 was actually registration fee just as I had imagined. She also wondered how come we barely knew each other and I kept saying ‘I miss you’ ’I miss you by ‘hat’? YOU MISS ME, I WANT 500. Simple!’ So if she also needs GHC500, then it just falls in line. It’s pre-paid, give it to her and get your postpaid later, my brother! I blocked her line o.

Ablavi is the smartest I had ever met. When I first met her, I gave her GHC100 and she complained that it was too much. In my head, I said this girl must be modest. Then subsequently, she would ask for GHC35 or GHC23! You won’t believe that Ablavi never asked me to send her GHC4! As we speak, she has also never asked for anything above GHC35 but the interesting thing is that by the end of the month, put together, I spend not less than GHC600 on her! This village girl is smarter than many of the city girls whose eye-phone screens can buy a plot of land near Kasowa.

Here comes the thon thon execution plan: Hotel bill, condom, food for the two of you including large size of bottled water, chewing gum (I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY I STILL BUY CHEWING GUMS ON OCCASIONS LIKE THIS), T&T for her especially if externally imported from the regions. This is how some people (not me o) spend on girls for ‘useless’ fun at least twice every month. If you are not lucky and you meet the wrong girl from the beginning, you go celebrate her birthdays every day.

Sometimes you see how much you’ve spent on a side chic and think that if you have to use condom, it will be a ‘waste’ and then think that this ‘meat’ must be eaten raw and then you keep spreading diseases around. God forgive you and I.

SIN FASCINATES AND ASSASSINATES and HIV is still there.

Is it not about time we started including the cost of womanising into our inflation figures, anaa? We just can’t stop la! What is wrong with me, I mean, us?

I want to set the record of thon thon in this space but…hmmm! Here comes the embarrassing moment especially as you age and still want to be ‘thoning’ in bed to become world’s best man in bed in the world. Just 4 days ago, it happened to me. Weakness has started setting in. When I was about to do the needful, I found myself closing my eyes in the process. She noticed it and asked why I had closed my eyes. My response was that I was praying to God to at least sustain me for one minute and go to sleep. How can this one win ‘sex-a-thon?’ I still believe African men below 30 years of age will win this challenge whether it becomes a competition or not.

Biblically, you naaa you know that you are weak o but just by saying: ‘I am strong’, before you know it, you are actually strong again. Halleluya! But unfortunately, this did not work for me kraaa.

If you know you have a problem, don’t go asking to marry a woman who is good in bed just because of your desire to set a ‘sex-a-thon’ record. They say 50% of men are already impotent. wahala dey! Those of us after age 40 have started some self-evaluation to be sure we are fine! The strategy we use include watching ladies with good bombom crossing the road when the traffic lights turn red at Kaneshie first light.

I disgraced myself nearly 4 years ago when midway through the ‘distin’, I went ‘half clutch’. Surprised at what was happening and panting heavily, I pleaded with her and asking my wife questions that were irrelevant. For example, who was the first person to eat gari and beans with fried red plantain in Ghana? All of these in the bid to buy time to regain ‘consciousness’, she was talking talking and before I knew it, the ‘thing’ dropped again as it ‘bowed down’, provoked. At this stage of provocation, no amount of negotiations with the mind works.

You know at this point you have to psychologically and mentally position yourself in such a way that it does not drop while you keep praying and praying and praying with the hope that the Biblical ‘let the weak say I am strong’ faith will work. My brother, as for this one di333, if you are weak, you are weak. The slightest disruption including a cock-crow can cause a ‘downfall’ again! Here, if you are unable to ‘join the train’, she will dress up, chuckle in dissatisfaction and go and bath. I never understood this erectile this thing till at this age yet here I am thinking of ‘sex-a-thon’ just because I want to set record.

Abeg, when you know your problem and you are doing the thing and you get the slightest chance, just pour that thing quickly, wear your trousers and go and rest somewhere; it’s more dignifying like that than to say you want to impress to win ‘sex-a-thon’ only to lose the strength to continue and not come kraaaa.

Just do ‘pampampam’ and then ‘piaaaa’ and go home and rest! No bi your fault; age catch up with you! Weytin concern me with under two minutes when three minutes can fail me in totality! Remember we are no longer 25 years!

Any man who comes to boast of how well he ‘punished’ that lady probably didn’t do anything. Listen to them carefully. They often say so to prove how strong they are in bed but it’s a lie. Make I hear something. If you are growing, things change and accept them like that and try and change your herbal concoctions lifestyle small. Ah!

Let’s celebrate this new year with more positive things than ‘sex-a-thon’. Believe me, we won’t win anything.

Happy New Year…’Thon!

By Mawuli Zogbenu

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